Goddess Smile
By Elbert Perez
Walking on the plains,
sky melted blue.
Wind kissing my face.
I see on the horizon, a woman of beauty.
Glowing like the sun, yet pleasing to the eyes.
Skin so perfect, eyes so wonderful.
Her smile told it all, her beauty, her life.
All encased in a beautiful smile.
A smile she uses with pride and dignity.
A smile to cause war among men.
It’s her, the one true smile.
A kiss, everyone awaits….
A
Friend of mine, free-flowing mind
By Elbert Perez
I want a friend, a friend to be there close to me. I see. Hands are moving, independent of each other. Veins forming an “M” on my hand. What does it mean? I don’t know. The children, interestingly are both our past and future. Past for being children once, adults we are. Future for the gene’s we pass on to them to ensure our survival. Hair falling on my face, violin playing, with the frequency of death. It’s so sad, so black, so empty yet so full. I sit here, eyes on keyboard, I dare not look at the monitor, my eyes hurt. Kill, kill what is this pain and despair growing inside of me. My hate for it fuels it. It grows, bigger and bigger. Bigger than I am. I am but a speck in this despair that is engulfing me. My arms hurt. What does that mean? Why is my right arm stressed out? I think its from biking, not from masturbation. Free flow is good. Good for the spirit and soul. God, he’s up there looking on his creation. Jesus, up there, sympathizing with his father’s creation. I have a blue and red mouse pad. Violin is looping in the background. I am sitting here, crouched down, looking through the jungle that is my hair. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. I counted. As I looked at the keyboard. Pain, anguish, loneliness. Yes it is mostly loneliness. I have yet to find the person who would understand me as me, as I would understand her as her. I look at my shag carpet, are there any fleas or ticks living there? It must be interesting to live in a synthetic environment. Hm… it must be interesting to live as a human. I rub my face, in discontent. What is happening in my life? How long must I endure loneliness. How long… nights… nights pass day by day, in a cliché way. I toss, tumble, desperately trying to find that person in my bed. Is she there? Where is she? Wrong question, who is she? Who am I destined to love till the day I die? Who will I love till time stops. Violins, have no low frequency sound. It must be that they like to be high? I have no clue. I stare at the screen, typing out my thoughts. All jumbled, all arguable. When will I ever make a decision on what I want? When will I stand up for everything that I believe in? Not yet, I am still learning, but when will I stop learning? When I am too old, where society would call me clinging to the old ways, but that is when I stop learning, what then… I hat society sometimes, forcing you not to be you, forcing you to learn, then unlearn then learn something you do not need to progress in life. Life has a lot of junk in it, but also a lot of treasure. I am one with the computer right now, I feel what it feels, it feels what I feel. It’s busy thinking, hard drive churning, processor computing. I myself most of the time think like a computer, un emotional and logical. Passionate in logic, apathetic in feelings, desires, and wants. A lot of decisions in life for me is quantifiable, nothing bizarrely unpredictable. I strive for equality, tranquility, balance in this world. I should learn to be sympathetic but It is hard to do so when you do not understand. I understand little in this world. I am sheltered, I am pampered. I have little knowledge in our world. What’s funny? Laziness, remote control, inventing the remote control because we do not want to stand up and surf the channels. But I contradict myself, I also think that it helps with disabled people, and people who have limited access. I always contradict what I say, what I think, what I do. It’s like I do everything and anything just to cancel out my actions, thoughts, and meaning. That’s how I think. I think positively negative. When will I grow? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? I must be patient, as myself would say. Patience, that would be ignoring the fact that I should ignore observing my behavior and surprising myself a few months after, by observing how much I have changed. Whopee doo! Now I have dissected how we think that we grew with ignorance. I love this world. So unpredictably predictable, as I read only two things are certain, taxes, and death. We are taxed on everything by society. Government taxes are nothing compared to the taxes we pay to society. How we should be neat and dandy, how we should conform, how we should act, we all have to pay these emotional, conditional, and human “Societal Tax” that is imposed to us. Death? We are all dead already, devoid of who we are. We are nothing but products of the social revolution, social interaction, social this and that. Social now seems to be anti-social, creating that interesting paradox that would threaten to destroy our so called humanity, our freedom! Freedom is also an illusion made up by the powerful upon the weak. We give you freedom to vote, yes only the powerful are good enough to be a politician. Freedom? Free Domination. Yes that is what it is, FreeDom is short for free domination on which the powerful enforce on the weak. But wait, the powerful aren’t really powerful at all! You know why? Look at the “King of Pop”, aint he free? FreeDom comes with a price, that is our own humanity. Hmm.. humanity.. what is it? Are we not all bound by instinct and mother nature to create families, to love the opposite sex? To have sex at all? So I tell you, even at the most basic level, stripped of our so called intelligence, reverting to basic instinct, we are still bound by laws of nature, gravity, the need to feed. Everything.. What do people want deep inside? Why do we live? Because we are afraid of the pain that the process of dying would give? Or is it to pass our pain of dying to our children so that they may feel what our ancestors felt? Don’t you feel lucky? You’re the only one, from the billions of sperm that tried to impregnate your mother? You’re the sperm that got in. You are the powerful one, you are the winner! You are born, only to die in the end. So you win the survival of the fittest only to die in the end. But some wise man said, or is it nature that whispered it to me? “It’s not the destination but the journey” maybe another ploy to lure us into living and become ignorant of dying. Maybe, maybe not. Who am I to judge? I am but a speck in the universe. I am but one in 6 billion. I live, typing down my thoughts here in the computer, hoping that what I written down here, transcends time and time again, to tell other people how I was. I am Elbert, son of Saviniano. I still live and breathe as of February 16, 2004 @ 3:15 am. Remember that. Please.
ElbertreblE
The
Unknown
by Elbert Perez
I stand staring at my door, undoubtedly being drawn to the reclusive feeling. I can hear something, walking up the stairs. Its heavy footing can be heard, yet I cannot distinguish from it. I can feel my arm hairs stand up, beads of sweat start drip off my temple. I hear it stop just right in front of my door. Silence prevails for what seemed like an eternity. Broken only by faint dripping sounds. I dare go near the door to view what was outside. I walked slowly and cautiously amidst the eerie silence. I squinted my eyes to look at the hole at the door. I see nothing, just the dirty floor outside. I relaxed my tense muscles and sighed a relief. As I was to turn away from the door, the dripping sounds suddenly became more intense, as if I could here them inside my ears. I could not bear the torture of hearing the dripping sounds inside my head. I quickly unbolted the door and opened it. There was a pool of blood in front of my door. It stank, as if it was there for a week. But I was sure that there was no blood when I entered my apartment a few hours ago. The dripping sound just got more intense; now the sound felt like it was coming out of my chest cavity. What was this sound, and why is it moving around my body? As I lifted my head, there stood an abomination. I could not describe what it was; it certainly had three limbs supporting itself, with gruesome veins wrapping its every inch of body surface. There were no eyes, mouth, or anything that would distinguish it as a mammal or insect. Yet as I looked into it, I felt drawn. I started walking towards it, inch by inch. Trudging to through the pool of blood that now felt like a pool of blood waist high. My vision darkened, I looked at the creature and my surrounding environment started to dim and slowly fade away. Now I was in swamp filled blood, veins as reeds, and trees as disfigured human bodies. It stank, the smell would pass through your nostrils and straight to your brain, you could even taste the blood in the air. I tried to focus my attention to what was ahead. I could see a mound a few yards away from me. It was the visible piece of dry land in the area. I plodded in the blood swamp, as I would call it. Every step I took felt wrong; it felt that I was walking deeper into the blood swamp. But there was no where else to go so I had to continue amidst the rising level of blood. Soon enough I was neck high in the blood with only a few feet away from the mound. It was a choice I had to take, in order for me to reach the safety of the mound, I would have to submerge myself into the blood swamp, but the uncertainty and danger lurked if I did that. However if I stayed here, I would go nowhere. I had made my choice long before I walked towards the mound. I took a deep breath and started walking, slowly submerging into the depths of the blood swamp. It felt heavy to walk, I could feel the pressure on my chest rising. But I was already half way, I cannot stop now. My efforts were in vain, the pressure mounted, it felt heavier. I couldn’t move anymore. I was doomed. I sank even deeper into the swamp. With limited air, and incapability to move I was to die at the spot. When I was so close to the mound. I accepted my fate, and sank even faster into the blood swamp. Then it felt pleasing, as I slowly sank down even more the pressure declined, and any reason to breathe was gone, for I did not need to breathe. Suddenly I was starting to turn, my head was trying to do a 180 degree turn. It slowly did that, I crouched into a fetal position to protect myself for I have no idea what will happen next. In the faint distance, a dim light shined. I was slowly sinking towards the light, getting brighter as I was getting closer. The closer I get the bigger it got, soon it had engulfed me. Giving me warmth, and the feeling of security. I open my eyes amidst a man with half of his face covered. I was born.
What
the F*ck is love?
By Elbert Perez
I’ve
experienced the coup de grace of love, betrayal. Yes the person you love,
trust, share your most intimate thoughts slits your throat without you flinching
as you see them slowly walking towards you knife in hand. That moment of seeing
your loved one knowing with your sane mind that she would inevitably spill
your blood all over the floor and yet you listen to your ever so irrational
heart of love! Spreading your arms wide open ready to embrace the one you
love, all the while she starts raising her hand to stab you straight to the
heart. As your arms close in on her, she plunges the knife straight into your
heart, exactly stopping your heart the moment you enclose her in your embrace.
Another noteworthy tragedy that the world will store in it’s sea of
inevitable sorrow.
We as humans long to be with someone we could share our bare soul with. Yes
our bare, raw and uncensored soul. Not like the souls of our life force, not
the soul that resides in our body, but the soul we call life. The life we
live minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. We want to share these everyday
experiences, who we are as everyday living individuals not like the shallow
perception of life we see in novels, movies and in society. We want to show
the quirks, the goodness, the bad, and the horrible of us. We want someone
who will accept us for not what we are worth, but for our forthcoming selves.
I experienced this kind of love before, and yes that led me to my inevitable
death, but it was a risk that I took. I enjoyed my uninhibited self with this
girl, my true self, the monsters and evil inside. I gave without asking anything
in return, she did open up with me her current self, her everyday qualms,
mannerisms, and smiles. I however failed to look into her past, as it was
full of lies, deceit, and tragedy. I ignored it for the fool I am. I was not
naïve, nor ignorant. I chose to see her as her, because of the word so
many people say but few understand, love.
So what the f*ck is love? It is nothing, something and everything we look
for in our lives. It is that thing we need, that thinking we want, feeling
we crave, and what we hate the most. Love is never one sided, nothing you
will ever love in this life would you not hate as much as you love. This is
a world of balance; we live on the principle of action and reaction, the yin
and yang. Going with that idea, love would equal hate in every way. I felt
this just as I found out that the one I love betrayed me. All the love I once
had towards her transformed into this tide of hate. I wanted her to disappear
from this earth, I wanted her to die, and I wanted her to be miserable. I
plotted many a revenge. But that never happened for somewhat in that overwhelming
sea of hatred stood a bastion, the bastion us humans would call love. It’s
an annoying, irritating, and disturbing feeling to have. Both extremes tearing
at your very existence, threatening to tear you apart. As I was about to shatter
into many indistinguishable pieces, it stopped. I have come to find my peace.
That was to accept that that feeling of love is gone and can never be mine
again. I was pulling on my own self. Dreading the situation, seeing only a
few feet in front of me. It was clear that I had to move on in life. Moving
on but remembering the feelings that were involved, making it a part of you.
The person that was once me.
| Disappear
I
stand looking at myself
|
What Love? Invigorate
me with this feeling |
| Push Ups One.... Two... Three... errrgghh.... Fooouuur..... Faaaiiiveee........ Siiiiix.... Seveennnnnnnnnnnnn...... Eii... Damn... Eiiight...... Niinnneeee..... One more.. Teeennn.... *slump |
Bonnie Boat A boat went over the Ocean... Damn boat went over the sea.. Please bring back my boat to me..
|
Kung FU Whaaaaaaaappppaaaaaawwwwwww! Watatatatatatatata!!!! You will never survive my drunken iron fists of Buddha! Buddha power! Behold my one fisted crane of the drunken Buddha! Buddha Bless you And for my finishing attack Big Belly Buddha Rub Attack! Enemy* YAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! |
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